Dear Mr. Nerd,

There is so much that I would like to ask you, as your infinite knowledge can only be benificial to my life. However, for this post I will keep it simple. I have a problem with my neighbor. She is a granny-transvestite-black-lesbian and every day she goes for a stroll in her backyard, naked. As you can probably imagine, it is impossible to not to at least see this dreadful sight out of the corner of my eye and I was wondering how I might cope with this awful situation. Help is needed. Please respond asap.

Sincerely,
Bline Dead

Dear Mr. Dead,
I know naked neighbors can be quite annoying, especially if they're black - and old - a deadly combination. This means that they are generally old enough to remember the Civil Rights Movement and still hold a grudge against the white man. This may be why she's doing this, but her being a transvestite may also have something to do with it. Anyways, to solve this problem go all Pat Robertson on her ass and preach hellfire and damnation for lesbians and transvestites - and both.

Or, you could call the police. This is public indecency and can be punished by up to five years in prison (according to the Allegheny General Police Academy's handbook).

Hope this helps!
- The Nerd