Sunday, August 2, 2009

How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie center of a tootsie pop?

Dear Mr. Nerd,
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

- [questionnaire anonymous]


Dear anonymous,
a study by students of Purdue University purports that, on average, their licking machine took 364 licks to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop. However, due to the fact that aforesaid machine may not have exactly imitated the licking habits of human beings, the world may never know.

- Sincerely, the Nerd

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Why is this blog the best?

Dear Mr Nerd,

Can you please explain why your blog is better than a certain other blog that you are competing with? Why should I like your blog better?

Sincerely, Mr. Sit-on-the-Fence

Dear Mr. Sit,
first I would like to explain that this question is not my own creation and is not just made up as a way to justify the superiority of Ask the Nerd. Rather, it was indeed emailed by someone. Now, to proceed:
The blog you are referring to is, of course, the one to be found at http://www.garbagetime3.blogspot.com. Let us examine this blog in-depth:
  • its title includes the word "garbage". Dictionary.com defines garbage as "anything that is contemptibly worthless, inferior, or vile" (source:dictionary.reference.com/browse/garbage). Its title also includes the word "time", which essentially means that the blog is "giving occassion to anything that is worthless, inferior, or vile". The number "3" is also in the address, indicating that 1 and 2 were already taken. This indciates a lack of originality, and a pitiful attempt to hide it.
  • the blog - "Garbage Time" - is also incredibly boring. Not only does it talk about sports, it talks about basketball and baseball (primarily) - which nobody cares about. Nobody needs to hear stupid commentary on sports games they could watch themselves. Though the authors offer some good points, is not as if it's things we haven't all heard before.
  • the authors of the blog make painfully capitalistic and materialistic remarks that are quite simply idiotic, such as :

"For decades, special teams specialists in the NFL have been among the lowest
paid in the league. Last year, the highest paid kicker, Sebastian Janikowski of
Oakland, made just over $3 million, and the highest paid punter, Chris Kluwe of
Minnesota, made $2.6 million. Kicking the ball for a living has earned players
significantly less money than those who run or throw it."

Alright, they still make 3 million dollars. If you had that job, why would you complain? Obviously, Mr. Eric Y needs to get the value of the dollar straigthened out.

  • "Garbage Time" is also serious in nature. This is just not funny. The market in which they are trying to compete is one dominated already by Sports Illustrated and other glamorous titles. They will never succeed, and their writing is tedious to read, because...
  • they don't use paragraphs. It's just one big chunk of text. I'm not going to read that!
  • their poll of the week is something nobody cares about.
  • their audience is very narrow - Ask the Nerd appeals to all human beings with access to the Internet.

Now, you ask why mine is better. Here is why:

  • Ask the Nerd is interactive. You can ask a question, and it will be posted, no matter what. My submitters have seen this in the past.
  • Ask the Nerd is funny. Even if it's stupid, the laughts are worth the read.
  • Ask the Nerd is informative. Some questions are answered seriously. Right? Right?
  • Ask the Nerd caters to a wide audience - the questions people ask can be related to by all people, not just those who live in the United States or who are NBA fans.
  • Ask the Nerd is also written by one person - not two or three people. After all, garbagetime3 has a staff of three writers so far - Kuphere McBloggin Laing, Eric Y, and Phil Ferguson. And considering Ask the Nerd is so much better, it just goes to show that three idiots' heads are not better than one genius'.

I rest my case.

- The Nerd

Monday, February 23, 2009

Who invented the fohawk?

Dear Mr. Nerd,

Who invented the fohawk?

Sincerely,
Fo-Rida

Dear Mr. Fo-Rida,
the fauxhawk (that is how it's really supposed to be spelled) first emerged during the mid-80s among the classic punk scene. "Faux" means false in French, and thus fauxhawk indicates a false mohawk. Among the 80s' punks, a fauxhawk was looked down upon because the hairstyle did not require the full commitment that a mohawk did, and thus outsiders who attempted to imitate the philosophy of punkism but failed epicly were called "fauxhawks" as a term of derision. However, the fauxhawk was later popularised by David Beckham, the famous soccer player, who himself copied the style from Tunisian-French fashion designer Hedi Slimane. Thus, there is no "one inventor" of the fauxhawk, though there must have been a single person who coined the term.

- The Nerd

Saturday, February 21, 2009

What do you think of Mr. Obama's stimulus plan?

The Nerd,
what do you think about all the terrible descisions being made by Barack H. Obama on the stimulus package? I believe that capitalism is the answer to the recession, not a welfare socialist system. Obama's approval ratings are dropping, and many of the people paying 95% of america's taxes are getting frustrated with the welfare checks going out to people. So, what is your opinion? Should the lazy just sit on their asses and get pay checks rolling in while the people who work hard for a living end up paying for them? Do you support this second "stimulus" bill (aka Obama's shopping list)? And if so, does this mean you support putting the average family in an over $24,000 debt to the government? And if so, then are you assuming the rich will cover it all? And if so, fyi the rich will start to leave the country if they are forced to cover everyone's mistakes, and who do you think will pay for the money with them gone? If you don't believe this, just look at the amount of high income people leaving the increasing income tax area of New York, which has made Bloomberg come to his senses and reject the 2nd stimulus package.

Sincerely, Sean Hannity

Dear Sean,
I agree to your many points. Mr. Obama has totally gone against what he has said. The truth is, Mr. Obama was naive in believing that he could dramatically change the entire political system of our nation in the blink of an eye. Now, Mr. Obama says that this will "take some time", which is a politician's way of saying it won't be done at all. I agree that the stimulus bill is outrageous, for example, he is spending $10,000,000 (or some other outrageously high amount) for a dog park in Los Angeles, which will create a grand total of 4 jobs and the only thing it will stimulate is the creation of canine shit. Mr. Obama thinks that he can play messiah and start handing out these welfare checks to anybody who asks for them. Did you know that some old African-American woman came up to him in a town hall meeting and asked for a house, and he gave it to her? What is this? Deal or No Deal? Mr. Obama needs to start thinking like an intelligent person, not the scheming liar he's showing himself to be, and stop bullshitting about how he's gonna do everything. I totally agree that Obama has lied to the American people and his supposed "new Washington" is turning out to be "new" only in the sense that it no longer drives us into billion-dollar debts. It drives us into trillion-dollar debts.

- The Nerd
Dear Mr. Nerd,

There is so much that I would like to ask you, as your infinite knowledge can only be benificial to my life. However, for this post I will keep it simple. I have a problem with my neighbor. She is a granny-transvestite-black-lesbian and every day she goes for a stroll in her backyard, naked. As you can probably imagine, it is impossible to not to at least see this dreadful sight out of the corner of my eye and I was wondering how I might cope with this awful situation. Help is needed. Please respond asap.

Sincerely,
Bline Dead

Dear Mr. Dead,
I know naked neighbors can be quite annoying, especially if they're black - and old - a deadly combination. This means that they are generally old enough to remember the Civil Rights Movement and still hold a grudge against the white man. This may be why she's doing this, but her being a transvestite may also have something to do with it. Anyways, to solve this problem go all Pat Robertson on her ass and preach hellfire and damnation for lesbians and transvestites - and both.

Or, you could call the police. This is public indecency and can be punished by up to five years in prison (according to the Allegheny General Police Academy's handbook).

Hope this helps!
- The Nerd
Dear Nerd,Why do girls hate you so much
- Biggie Smalls

First of all, Biggie, learn proper fucking punctuation. There's supposed to be a question mark at the end of a question. Second of all, you've obviously been fed misinformation, because I get laid every damn night.

- The Nerd
P.S. This is supposed to be serious, you stupid dipshit.

I play Call of Duty too much and my girlfriend dumped me! Help!

Dear Mr. Nerd,

I have two questoins for you today:

1) As you can tell from my email address I play Call of Duty: World at War constantly. But I always seem to get more deaths than kills. What do you think is the best set up for the Sabatoge game mode? This is how I have set up my class: Primary weapon: FG42 with bipod, Side Arm: Tokarev TT-33, Primary Grenade: Frag, Special Grenade: Signal Flare, Perk1: M9A1 Bazooka x2, Perk2: Flak Jacket, Perk3: Second Chance, and Vehicle Perk: Coaxial Machine Gun. Could you please tell me what you use in detail? (You must obviously have this game, because if you don't then you are not a true "nerd". P.S.: what's your favorite map?

2) My girlfriend has recently broke up with me because she says she is tired of seeing me play this game? What should I do? She claims that it is too disgusting for her to see brains spurt out of zombie brains and to see my avatar's body parts fly across the screen when a tank shell hits me. She wants to date someone more serious. So for Valentines day I took her to the most realistic thing apart from actual war; this is so she can see the beauty of war gaming that I see, I took her to play airsoft. After the game she took me aside saying that she wanted to talk to me about something important: she said, "Look at me! Here I stand covered in welts, cuts, bruises, and mud, and for what! To see "the beauty in war"? WELL I DON'T LIKE IT AND WE ARE THROUGH!" And then she spat in my face and stormed off. So I went to her apartment that night to say how sorry I am and that I would quit my addiction. When I rang the doorbell there was no answer. I thought at the time that she must have looked through the peep hole in her door, saw me, and decided nto to answer. So I took the key from under her doormat and opend her door. The lights were on. I called her name. No answer. I thought I heard a noise coming from one of the rooms. So I went to that door and opened it to find that she was having sex with this guy. Yes sex. They were ass naked having sex and she was orgasming! Then she saw me and screamed. The man she was having sex with saw me then got up and rushed at me. I ran for my life. He was the big football type and was I would guess 6 foot 4. Anyway he chased me and grabbed a knife from the counter screaming" I'm gonna kill you!" Thankfully I was able to reach the elevator and escape. What should I do?

Thx,
callofdutyworldatwarfanatic

Dear callofdutyworldatwarfanatic,
I will now answer your questions one at a time
1) Here's a cool way to win in the Sabotage game mode: arm yourself with a standard pistol and a flamethrower, all other settings don't matter. When the game is loading, press these buttons in sequence: , O, X, X, ∆, ∆, X, X, ∆, X, X, O, R3. You have to do this fast before the game actually starts. Then, upon entering the battlefield, get a headshot with a pistol on one of your enemies within thirty seconds. Then, kill one of your allies with your flamethrower in the ensuing thirty seconds. Then, with your pistol, shoot into the air five times. You will then see the screen go fizzy, before you return on the field as the Dragon of Looor. You will then be able to trash your enemies (and friends) for two minutes before the game automatically declares you (as "DARGON OF LAR") the winner. I like all of the maps. I really don't have a favorite.
2) Stop moping over your girlfriend. What a whore! You break up with her and the same night she's sleeping with another guy? What the fuck? You should definitely go ruin her life for being such a damn bitch. But maybe she has a point - Call of Duty is very violent and you shouldn't play it too often because it has been shown (by the University of Denver in a 2008 study) that Call of Duty: World at War causes massive brain damage and even seizures among those who play it 10% or more of their waking lives. Also, airsoft it not for women. Why the hell would you take your girlfriend to an airsoft game? It's not even real war! It's just a bunch of tween fags running around with fake guns pretending to be all macho, but when the Soviets invade, they hide in their basements and cower in fear. So there! To summarize:
Contention 1: Use the cheat to win Sabotage.
Contention 2a: Get over your girlfriend, she was a whore.
Contention 2b: Don't play violent video games or do violent things with your girlfriend.

Great! Hopes this helps! Cheerio!
- The Nerd

What ever happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

A simple question, but not so simple of an answer. I have been dying to know this and, since you know everything, I figured I'd ask you. What ever happened to Jimmy Hoffa?

Sincerly,A Short Mofia Gansta

Dear Gansta,
Jimmy Hoffa, I'm afraid, disappeared. That's what happened to him.

- The Nerd

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Thoughts on women who are openly bisexual in stupid ways

Dear Mr. Nerd,
I've had to much tequila, pass me the vodka.
While flicking through the channels late on a Saturday night in March, I stumbled upon an inhumane insult to gay people as well as straight ones. How can a woman so openly question her sexuality and leave it up to a handful of fame-hungry men and unstable women. Mr. Nerd, I am so lost that I too need your help. Please give me a peice of what she is thinking.

Sincerely, Cut me off, I've had a few too many tequila.

Dear Cut me,
I say, the more bisexual women we have, the better, no? I mean, we get to watch them have sex with other hot chicks, and then they have sex with us too. It's a win-win situation.

- The Nerd

I feel overshadowed. How do I feel better about myself?

Nerd,
There is a kid in my English class that sits in front of me that is so smart, I feel overshadowed as well as insignificant due to his academic success. How can I feel better about myself?
Sincerely,
Dis Appointed

Dear Dis,
There are many ways to feel better about yourself. For example, I am sure that the person who sits in front of you is not wholly superior to you. Think of something that you are better than him at. Perhaps you are a member of certain elitist liberal intellectual organisations which he doesn't belong to? Who knows? Anyway, don't let shit like this get you down. There's an old saying. I just forget it.

Sincerely, the Nerd

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

How do I get back at a black?

Dear Mr. Nerd,
While trying to gain as much immense knowledge as you, an annoying black kid began to get in my grill. Well let me start at the beginning, it all started with me displaying my knowledge for the betterment of my classmates when He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Name's ego started trumping around and ruining everyone's day. When I asked him respectfully to allow me to finish, he began berating me with insults regarding my academic qualifications regarding his inclusion into a so called "elite" organization at my school. How could I get back at him without seeming racist or outwardly against the Presidents "race" (he is a halvsie).

Sincerely, Joe Biden

Dear "Joe",
I too have been insulted by black people. It is quite annoying. The truth is, blacks are often placed in elite groups merely because these groups need to look like they're not being racist. The certain individual you are speaking of may not have been put into an elite group for this reason, but it may have contributed to overall factors. And just because some random person, regardless of racial origin, insults you, you should not take this to heart. After all, I'm sure your academic qualifications and grades speak for themselves. But to get to your question: how to get back at him without being racist. There are many ways to do this:
1) beat him up
2) get invited to a social occassion with him and show up with your really hot girlfriend while he comes alone
3) insult his political views without neccessarily targeting Mr. Obama's blackness
4) do something totally inappropriate and/or outrageous and blame it on him. Make sure to have "evidence", though he might be racially predisposed to accusation. According to a New York Press study, in Maryland from the winters of 1995-1997, 70% of those drivers stopped by police on Interstate 95 were black, but according to an ACLU survey conducted at the same time, blacks made up only 17.5% of drivers who commited criminal acts (such as speeding, traffic violations) on Interstate 95. (Source: http://www.neonjoint.com/your_rights/facts/racial-profiling-stats.html)
5) do things just to piss him off, but make sure that these things can easily be blamed on coincidence or other people, i.e.: stealing his pencil, stealing his books, etc.
6) visit this blog more often. This will get back at him. Though you and I know why this is, I cannot divulge any more information online for the sake of privacy.

Hope this helps!
- The Nerd

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Sample Question

Many have wondered what an actual post would look like on Ask the Nerd, so here is a sample:

Dear Mr. Nerd,
I was showering on a Sunday morning (i.e. 1 PM) while listening to my favorite gangsta wrapper CD when I heard my neighbor mowing his lawn. Why do people always mow their lawns at such hours? Why can't they mow their lawns while I'm not around? I was so pissed that I was gonna go over and tell that [censored] myself to shut up. So I got out of the shower, slipped, and hit my head. Then I had to be taken to the emergency room. Anyways, my question is: how can I stop my neighbor from mowing his lawn on Sundays?

Sincerely, Amy Nesia

Dear Amy,
it seems to me that you have a classic case of Sunday mow [chuckles]! In all seriousness, your neighbor has every right to do this in America (I presume that is where you live), but perhaps a serious one-on-one talk with this man could get him to stop. If all fails, you can submit a petition to your local governor/mayor/potentate begging him to stop this kind of action. Perhaps if you can find other people as bothered by this as you are to sign a petition, you'll be good to go! Haha! Good luck & toodles!

Sincerely, the Nerd.

Welcome to Ask the Nerd!

Welcome to "Ask the Nerd". I am the Nerd. No other information will be given about me other than the fact that I have immense knowledge. The purpose of this blog is twofold: 1) there is honor at stake, and 2) with my nearly-infinitesmal resources I will be able to help anyone with anything at any time.

To ask a question from me, email me at askthenerd@yahoo.com. I will then review the question, formulate an answer, and publish it on my blog. Please, refrain from obscenity. Otherwise, any question will be answered.